This new obsession with talking about bacon’s cool factor or crafting quotes Samuel Clemens would want to plagiarize  like, “Omigawd I looooooooove bacon” makes me want to punch a piece of bacon.  This new found affinity for a fatty, salty strip of pork is akin to hipsters ordering PBR at the Ye Olde Hipster bar in the city of your choice.

You are reading it here first, folks.  We are comparing that lame person at the house party or cubicle farm to the hipsters of 2006 that were drinking $3 cans of PBR.  Hey, we have an idea!  Why not enhance your “cool” factor by saying how cool a food or beverage is in every social situation you can.  Or better yet, if you are not tech savvy and can’t create a blog or website devoted to the glory of bacon, just regale every human you meet with the tales you read about on said sites.  People are dying to hear about it.

In the meantime, go purchase a shirt that has “Affliction” or “Skin” or some other lame noun stenciled across the back with some flowery and shiny design.  Then you can go to a bar in Uptown and order a $4 PBR and tell the skanky chick next you about this “sweet ass bacon site that has photos of chocolate covered bacon and shit”.

While you’re taking care of that, I’ll be starting the new fad around looooooooooving Velcro shoes.  It’ll be sweet.  Keep your eyes peeled and your ears to the ground.  It’s coming soon to a dive bar near you.